I choke out a text message to E.
"happy thanksgiving" and a photo of a box engraved with my grandmother's initials — they have the same ones.
2 days after thanksgiving. No response, none deserved.
To hell with her I tell myself and block her on Facebook.
I half-compose a "goodbye" email in my head. Then I click the trash icon in my head.
The problem is simple and twofold: first, my recent spat of involuntary celibacy, and second, the fact that I haven't seen her for some time.
Seeing her always helps me fall out of love with her.
Here I am at the cafe. Sitting next to me a lesbian couple, my age. Their relationship is tender, tenuous. They cannot come to an agreement about their Halloween plans. The pretty one says, in a French accent, "I am never one to be frugal, but..."
The blonde one, butch and less pretty, is put out. They agree not to talk for an hour. The pretty one opens her laptop and the butch one opens a paperback.
It ought to be the other way around.
The pretty girl and I watch a stunning model-type girl saunter into the cafe and order a cortado. The butch girl buries her face deeper into the paperback.
Had the idea of just writing down how the day was, not how my day was, but to describe the day, weather yes, but more than just weather, describe the day, the way the city was that day, because the city has days where people are bursting energetically out of movie theaters and it has days where everyone seems to want to shoulder you in the chest and it has days where the trains aren't working and it has days where all the trains are all arriving just as you are walking through the turnstile.
J and R are in town and I had a very nice time with them.
I finally transcribed that commercial. Let's call it "twenty million men":
you've reached the age
where giving up isn't
who you are.
this is the
of knowing how to make
things happen. so
get in your way.
talk to your doctor
ask your doctor if
your heart is healthy
enough for sex.
do not take viagra
if you take nitrates
for chest pain. It
may cause an unsafe
for an erection lasting
more than four hours.
stop taking viagra
and call your doctor
a sudden decrease
in vision or hearing.
of taking action. viagra.
talk to your doctor.
Cooked my Blue Apron fish tacos last night.
The salsa verde was a lot of trouble and not flavorful. The fish itself had an awful texture and I felt sick after. I canceled the service today.
I woke up very early in the morning — maybe around 4am — with a poem half-cooked in my head. I found my phone and saved what I could. Here is the 1st stanza:
We literally fucked
our dick out of
we are thirty,
dickless and benign
Who will settle
down with us
Maybe I should have saved none of it.
I slept for another hour and had a nightmare in which I was on the phone with AOL customer support and furious with my mother. I think I heaved a keyboard over a row of hedges.
I had bikram yoga at 7 and it was very tiring. After I ate a Mean Green Acai Bowl from the juice store.
I have some pain in my back now.
I don't know what to make of that night / morning with K. I recoil.
This morning, before arriving at the office, I saw three men with game legs.
Not all at the same time. The first I saw at the entrance to 71 Irving, a coffee shop whose door is three small steps down from street level. He hesitated at the steps and then very awkwardly made his way down them. I can't remember where I saw the other two but I know I saw them.
There must be some mathematical concept for this. New York has the population density to make the odd commonplace. Things cluster.
Sasha is visiting E. She'd promised me I'd get to see her but now I don't think that will happen. I got an email from her about AT&T. I'm not going to respond to it.
I want very badly to see K.
I took some pictures on my phone in Huxbury and was pleased with the way they turned out. I posted them to Instagram and got a few likes.
Every photo I share on Instagram buries the photos of E & me deeper down the feed. One day they will require simply an intolerable amount of scrolling and I will forget about them together.
I do not want to delete them. That would be an unnecessarily emotional thing to do.
(Sasha is a dog).
I spent the weekend in Huxbury. It was less relaxing than I'd hoped and Mom and I got into an argument over something stupid.
We picked apples and I took some nice photos and Mom made a nice apple betty.
I drank too much at happy hour the other day. E called me and we did that thing where we flirt and baby talk each other like we never broke up. Later I sent her a few horny text messages and she asked me if I regretted breaking up with her and I said no and she said good night then and I said good night.
Last night I stir-fried tofu with a vegetable medley and watched True Detective s1e3. I drank 3 glasses of the red wine J gave me for my birthday. After it was over I smoked a cigarette.
This morning I set my alarm for 7:14a and woke up, dressed, and without showering took the train to a fitness studio that per its website offers a mix of martial arts, cardio, gymnastics, plyometrics, and yoga. The class took an hour and when it was over I was sweaty and red-faced. I walked two blocks to the juice store and purchased a Mean Green Acai Bowl which was very tasty.
It's all a hammy performance, a mercifully brief parody of healthy living.
I am thinking about "getting away" this weekend. I never think about "getting away." I want an excuse not to see KH, which is an awful thing to want. It is sometimes hard to understand let alone articulate the dread I feel.
They say keeping a gratitude journal cures depression. Can I induce depression by keeping a resentment journal?
I turned 29 last week. I resent aging.
I spent my birthday sick in bed. I resent my weak constitution.
I had a birthday party. It was pretty fun but some of my friends didn't show up even though they RSVP'ed and I resent that.
No, I don't think I can. Feeling pretty good.
Oh hi, this is just my first post.