i was just sitting in my room, thinking.
im pretty down right now, of course.
when there's nobody to talk to, my brain crashes.
there just isn't anything left to fill up by bucket.
sadness comes in so many forms,
and i like to say ive tried all of them.
some of the most unique pains
come through sadness.
my brain's favorite recently is nostaligia.
the things ive lost.
the people i wont see.
the places i wont go to again.
each one of these things installs itself deep.
it roots itself deep into my brain to create cycles i cant escape.
it just takes over when it likes.
i dont have control anymore.
i think i have a perfect idea of the exact missing piece.
if any of you have been reading along,
you might know it too.
its something ive wanted quite a while.
you know that feeling you get when you just fucking need someone?
like someone, anyone.
but then you remember you're alone
you just have nowhere to go and nothing to do.
when we ran away from rehab,
i felt that same way.
with the world in my hands,
what would i do? who would i talk to?
i couldnt do it by myself.
i knew i needed by two best friends at my side.
because the world is big,
and i wanted someone to die with.
we never ended up making it
that day
but we tried,
with every last shard of hope.
see, dear reader, things dont go right in life.
life never happens the way you want it to.
you give up hope.
thats at least what happens when you try my shoes on.
you see everything youve lost
to your stupid childhood self telling your father
you didnt want to play baseball.
and from that moment on, your life would turn to shit.
you would isolate in niche habits.
nobody to connect.
then you would go to the deepest depths
of abuse and pain and drugs and death and sad people and all the things that i hate from my past.
there are so many things i would change.
there are so many things i would do.
i would do anything to change it.
just like i would do anything to be in his arms.
i want to give it all up
the fucking drugs.
but there is nothing
to be happy about anymore.
i just cant do it
without somewhere to call home.
without someone to call mom and dad.
without someone to call baby.
there is one wish that i have in this life.
there is one wish that i would do anything to get.
it doesnt have to be perfect.
it just has to be real.
they say i will fail
to heal myself in this way.
these are the same people who told me
they were the ones to trust.
it doesnt matter anyway.
because there is no way to determine the result
without someone to call mine.
there is no me without you.
and i know this is pointless anyway
because nobody really cares.
nobodys here to read my pain
and nobody who i will call mine.
these are the words
of a dying arist.
i have gone from starving
to dying.
i have killed my self already...
i have killed my passions.
i have killed my childhood nightmare and my adult regrets.
i have killed my body.
have you ever ate hundreds of seeds
threw them all up along with your lemonade
all over the floor
because you just wanted direction on your life?
have you ever hated something so much
that you stop hating it
and start desiring it more than anything
that you feel this feeling where you know you cant change anything but you need to because it feels like your life has just been one pointless mess of absolutely nothing and you have no more direction because you missed out on something so important in every stage of your life which you would have had if you just said one fucking yes one fucking time?
have you ever felt that feeling where your lungs are on fire
and the music starts to feel farther away
and for three hours
everythings just okay for once?
have you ever felt like your life has been split in two
by something that took everything from you
and you cant do anything to stop it now
but it will go on to haunt you for the rest of your life?
now, what do you do?
do you just say everythings good?
do you watch a motivational video?
do you go pray?
well, ill tell you what i do.
i sit next to the person who could change it all,
and i say nothing
as the smoke disappears into the air as i watch it all fade out into nothingness and for those three hours i talked about i finally get a fucking break from the crazy shit that happens every single day with no breaks except the one which costs twenty five dollars and puts me in a situation where i know im killing myself but everything around me is also killing me and i just sit and cry it all out without any breaks either because one day i know it will all be over and things will either have gotten better or worse and i realise i have zero control over that anymore.
i just write and write and write
whether its these fucking words
or another fucking website
and it doesnt stop for one second.
over and over
the time ticks and ticks
time speeds up, time slows down
everything goes by in a blur.
you just want to give it all fucking up for him
because he is absolutely anything and everything.
but you cant because you cant
and you cant because he isnt coming.
so you just keep going
chugging along with your day and keeping your head down
because deep down you know it will work out
but you also know it wont.
so i guess its whatever.
its just another fucking night
one of many i will go on to forget.
alone, once again.
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